مری شلی[۱]
۱۶ جولای ۱۸۳۳ میلادی
این تاریخ برای من بسیار خاطرهانگیز است، چراکه سیصد و بیست و سومین سالگرد تولدم است!
لابد فکر کردید یهودی سرگردانم[۲]. اما مطمئناً اینطور نیست. او بیش از ۱۸ قرن را پشت سر گذاشته است. در مقایسه با او، من نامیرای بسیار جوانیام.
اما، آیا من نامیرا هستم؟ این پرسشیست که سیصد و سه سال است از بام تا شام از خودم میپرسم، اما هنوز نتوانستهام به آن پاسخ دهم. یک تار موی خاکستری میان انبوه موهای قهوهایام پیدا کردم که قطعاً نشاندهندهی پیرشدنم است. موی بعضی از آدمها بعد از بیست سال کاملاً سفید میشود، اما حال که برای من این اتفاق نیافتاده است احتمالاً آن تار موی سفید هم سیصد سال دیگر در میان موهای دیگرم پنهان باقی میماند.
من داستانم را خواهم گفت و قضاوت را بر عهدهی خوانندگان میگذارم. با بازگو کردنِ داستانم میتوانم چندساعت از ابدیتی را که انقدر برایم خستهکننده شده است بگذرانم. ابدیت؟ چنین چیزی امکان دارد؟ ممکن است تا ابد زندگی کرد؟ افسانههایی را دربارهی افرادی شنیدهام که به خواب عمیقی میروند و بعد از صدها سال درست مثل روز اول از خواب بیدار میشوند. داستان اصحاب کهف را شنیدهام، با این حال جاودان بودن همراه با این همه سختی و مشقت نیست. اما امان از وزنِ تحملناپذیرِ زمانی که هرگز تمام نمیشود، گذرِ خستهکنندهی ساعتها بعد از ساعتها!
همه نام کورنلیوس آگریپا[۳] را شنیدهاند. یاد و خاطرهی او برای من جاودان است، همانطور که هنر او مرا جاودان ساخت. همه دربارهی شاگرد ممتاز[۴] او نیز شنیدهاند، کسی که ناآگاهانه در غیاب استادش شیطانی پلید را پدید آورد و توسط آن نابود شد. این خبر، درست یا غلط، دردسرهای زیادی را برای این کیمیاگر معروف به وجود آورد. تمام شاگردان و خادمانش به یک باره او را ترک کردند. او دیگر هیچکس را نداشت تا وقتی میخوابید در آتش همیشه سوزانش زغالی بگذارد، یا زمانی که او مشغول مطالعه بود، حواسش به رنگهای دائماً درحال تغییر داروهایش باشد. آزمایشهای او پشت سر هم شکست خوردند، چراکه یک جفت دست برای کامل کردن آنها کافی نبود. ارواحِ پلید، به دلیل اینکه او حتی نمیتوانست یک موجودِ میرا را به خدمت خود درآورد، او را مسخره میکردند.
در آن زمان من بسیار جوان، بسیار فقیر و بسیار عاشق بودم. یک سالی میشد که شاگرد کورنلیوس بودم، اما در زمان وقوعِ آن حادثه در آنجا حضور نداشتم. وقتی برگشتم، دوستانم به من التماس کردند که به خانهی کیمیاگر بازنگردم. وقتی آنها آن داستانِ وحشتناک را برایم تعریف کردند، از ترس لرزیدم؛ نیازی به شنیدم هشدار دوستانم نداشتم، مشخصاً دیگر هرگز به آنجا بازنمیگشتم. وقتی کورنلیوس به سراغم آمد و پیشنهاد داد اگر پیش او بمانم کیسهای طلا به من خواهد داد، احساس میکردم خودِ شیطان آمده تا مرا وسوسه کند. دندانهایم به هم میخورند، وحشتزده تا جایی که زانوانِ لرزانم اجازه میدادند به سرعت از آنجا دور شدم.
قدمهای لرزانم مرا به همان جایی رساند که دو سال، هر شب به آنجا رفته بودم؛ چشمهای که به آرامی آب پاکی از آن میجوشید و دختری با موهای سیاه کنار آن منتظر ایستاده و چشمان درخشانش به مسیری دوخته شده بود که هر شب از آن میآمدم. نمیتوانم زمانی را که عاشقِ برتا[۵] نبودم به یاد بیاورم؛ ما از بچگی با هم همسایه و همبازی بودیم. والدین او هم مانند والدین من فقیر اما آبرومند بودند. دلبستگی ما منشاء آرامشِ خاطر آنها بود. در لحظهی شومی پدر و مادرِ برتا دچارِ تبِ بدخیمی شدند که هر دو را به کشتن داد. برتا یتیم شد. او میتوانست به خانهی ما بیاید اما از بختِ بد، پیرزن تنها و ثروتمندی که در قصری در همان نزدیکیها زندگی میکرد و فرزندی نداشت اعلام کرد که مایل است برتا را به فرزندخواندگی خود قبول کند. از آن زمان به بعد، برتا لباسهای ابریشم به تن میکرد، در کاخی مرمرین سکنی داشت و به نظر میرسید بخت به او روی کرده است. اما برتا در موقعیتِ تازه و در میانِ همقطارانِ جدیدش همچنان به یارِ قدیمی روزگارِ محقرانهاش وفادار ماند؛ گاهی به کلبهی پدرم سر میزد و وقتی از رفتن به آنجا منع شد، به جنگلی در آن نزدیکیها میرفت و کنارِ چشمه به ملاقات من میآمد.
او اغلب اعلام میکرد که هیچ وظیفهای نسبت به قیمِ جدیدش ندارد و رابطهی ما به همان اندازهی قبل برای او مقدس و ارزشمند بود. با این حال، من فقیرتر از آن بودم که بتوانم با او ازدواج کنم و او بیزار بود از اینکه من این چنین زجر بکشم. او روحی والا اما ناشکیبا داشت و موانعی که مانع از به هم رسیدن ما به هم میشدند به شدت او را عصبانی میکرد. حال بعد از مدتی دوری دوباره یکدیگر را ملاقات میکردیم. او به شدت از دوری من به ستوه آمده بود و به تلخی شکایت میکرد و تقریباً به خاطر فقیر بودنم به من طعنه زد. با عجله پاسخ دادم: «من اگر فقیرم به دلیل آن است که صادق هستم. اگر اینطور نبود زودتر از اینها ثروتمند شده بودم.»
این حرف پرسشهای زیادی را برانگیخت. ترسیدم که با گفتن حقیقت او را شوکه کنم، اما او حقیقت را از من بیرون کشید؛ و بعد با نگاهی تحقیرآمیز به من نگریست و گفت: «تو تظاهر میکنی که عاشق منی، درحالی که حتی حاضر نیستی به خاطر من با شیطان روبهرو شوی!»
من اعتراض کردم و گفتم فقط میترسیدم که با پذیرش آن پیشنهاد او را برنجانم، اما او توجهی نکرد و از شکوه و عظمتِ پاداشی سخن میگفت که من باید دریافت میکردم. بنابراین خجالتزده و درحالی که اکنون ترسهای گذشتهام بیاهمیت به نظر میرسند، با قدمهای سریع و قلبی سبک، عشق و امید مرا به سویِ پذیرشِ پیشنهادِ کیمیاگر رهسپار کردند. کارها به سرعت روبهراه شد و من در دفتر خودم قرار گرفتم.
یک سال گذشت. در این مدت نتوانستم مبلغ قابل توجهی پول جمع کنم. عادت ترسهای مرا از بین برده بود. علیرغم کشیکهای دردناکی که کشیدم، نتوانستم ردی از یک جفت سُم پیدا کنم، هیچ فریادِ شیطانیای نیز هرگز سکوتِ محضِ خانهی ما را نشکست. همچنان پنهانی برتا را ملاقات میکردم و دوباره امیدوار شده بودم. اما امید تضمینکنندهی شادیِ کامل نیست، چراکه برتا تصور میکرد عشق و امنیت دشمن یکدیگرند و از جدا کردن آنها در آغوش من لذت میبرد. برتا شجاع و صادق اما زنی عشوهگر بود و من مثل یک مردِ تُرک حسود بود. او به هزاران روش مختلف مرا ناچیز میشمرد و هرگز به اشتباهاتش اقرار نمیکرد. مرا به شدت خشمگین میکرد و بعد التماس میکرد که او را ببخشم. گاهی احساس میکرد که به اندازهی کافی مطیعِ او نیستم، به همین دلیل داستانِ رقبایی را پیش میکشید که موردِ تأییدِ قیمش بودند. دورِ او پر بود از جوانانِ ابریشمپوشِ ثروتمند و خوشحال. شاگردِ ژندهپوشِ کورنلیوس در برابر آنها چه شانسی داشت؟
یکبار کیمیاگر آنقدر کار به من سپرده بوده که وقتم حسابی گرفته شد و نتوانستم طبق عادتمان به دیدنِ برتا بروم. کورنلیوس مشغول کارهای بزرگی شده بود و من باید شب تا صبح پیشش میماندم، آتش کوره را روشن نگاه میداشتم و حواسم به تدارکات شیمیایی او میبود. برتا کنار چشمه بیهوده چشم انتظار من ایستاده بود. روحِ والای او در نتیجهی این اهمالکاری من در هم شکست؛ در آخرین دقایق وقتِ استراحتم توانستم به امیدِ اینکه برتا تسلیام دهد، از خانهی کیمیاگر بیرون بزنم. اما او رفتار سرزنشآمیزی با من داشت، با بیاعتنایی مرا از خود راند و سوگند خورد که هر کسی، جز مردی که نتواند به خاطرِ او همزمان در دو مکان مختلف حضور داشته باشد، میتواند او را از آنِ خود کند. او حقیقتاً داشت تلافی میکرد! و وقتی در کنجِ عزلتم بودم، شنیدم که مدتیست همراهِ آلبرت هافر[۶] به شکار میرود. آلبرت هافر موردِ تأیید قیمِ او بود. آن سه سوار بر اسب، از برابرِ پنجرهی دودگرفتهی من عبور کردند. وقتی برتا نگاه تحقیرآمیزی به خانهی من انداخت، به نظرم رسید که میان صحبتهایشان نام خودم و در ادامه صدای خندهی تمسخرآمیزی را شنیدم.
حسادت با تمام زهر و بدبختیاش واردِ سینهی من شد. سیل اشکم جاری بود و به این فکر میکردم که هرگز نباید تصور میکردم که روزی او از آنِ من خواهد شد، و چند لحظه بعد، به خاطر بیثباتیاش سیل دشنامهایم را روانهاش میکردم. با این حال، باز هم باید آتشِ کیمیاگر را روشن نگاه میداشتم و مراقب تغییراتِ داروهای پیچیدهی او میبودم.
کورنلیوس سه شبانهروز بدون آنکه چشم روی هم بگذارد مراقب انبیقاش[۷] بود. فرآیند آزمایشش آرامتر از آنی که انتظارش را داشت پیش میرفت. با وجودِ اضطراب و پریشانیاش، خواب بر پلکهایش سنگینی میکرد. او با توانی بیشتر از توانِ انسانی با خوابآلودگی دست و پنجه نرم میکرد و در نتیجه عقل و حواسش درست و حسابی سرجایش نبود. با احتیاط درون ظرف فلزی را نگاه کرد و غرولندکنان گفت: «هنوز آماده نشده است. آیا لازم است شب دیگری بگذرد تا آماده شود؟ وینزی[۸]، تو هوشیار و وفاداری. پسرم تو دیشب خوابیدی. حواست به این لولهی شیشهای باشد. مایعی که درون آن است، رنگ صورتیِ ملایمی دارد. به محض آنکه رنگش شروع به تغییر کرد مرا بیدار کن. تا آن زمان من کمی میخوابم. اول سفید خواهد شد و بعد تلالویی طلایی از آن ساطع خواهد شد. اما تا آن زمان صبر نکن، به محض آنکه رنگ صورتی شروع به تغییر کرد مرا بیدار کن.» آنقدر خوابآلود بود که کلمات آخرش را به زور گفت و من به سختی آنها را شنیدم. حتی پس از آن هم کاملاً ساکت نشد و دوباره گفت: «وینزی، پسرم. به آن لوله دست نزن. آن را به دهانت نزدیک نکن. آن مایع یک معجون عشق است، معجونی که عشق را شفا میدهد. باعث نمیشود که از دوست داشتنِ برتا دست برداری. مراقب باش تا آن را ننوشی!»
سپس خوابش برد. سر محترمش بر گریبانش فرو افتاد. به سختی میتوانستم صدای نفس کشیدنِ عادیاش را بشنوم. چند دقیقهای به لوله خیره شدم، رنگ صورتیاش تغییری نکرد. بعد افکارم به پرواز درآمدند. به چشمه فکر میکردم و در هزاران خاطرهای غرق شدم که هرگز برایم دوباره تکرار نمیشدند! به محض آنکه واژهی «هرگز» بر لبانم نقش بست، مارها و افعیها در قلبم جمع شدند. دختر دروغگو! دروغگو و سنگدل! هرگز آنطور که به آلبرت لبخند زده بود، به من روی خوش نشان نداده بود. زن بیارزشِ نفرتانگیز! من باید انتقامم را میگرفتم. باید میدید که آلبرت پایین پاهایش جان میسپارد. و خودِ برتا باید به خاطر خونخواهی من کشته میشد. او به صورت تحقیرآمیز و پیروزمندانهای به من خندیده بود. او نسبت به بدبختی من و قدرتِ خودش واقف بود. اما او چه قدرتی داشت در برابرِ قدرتِ خروشِ تنفر، در برابرِ خوارشمردنِ کامل و بیاعتنایی من؟ آیا میتوانستم به چنین قدرتی دست یابم، به او بیتوجهی کنم و عشقِ طرد شدهام را تبدیل به عشقی منصفانه و حقیقی کنم؟ چنین چیزی قطعاً یک پیروزی به حساب میآمد.
نور درخشانی به سرعت از برابرِ چشمانم گذشت. با شگفتی به لوله نگرستیم: نورِ زیبایی سحرآمیزی که حتی از تشعشات الماس زیر نورِ پرتوهای خورشید درخشانتر بود، از روی سطحِ آن مایع ساطع میشد و عطرِ دلنشینِ آن هوش از سرم برد. به نظر میرسید آن مایع یک گوی درخشان است که دیدنش مایهی خشنودی و چشیدنش لذتبخش بود. اولین فکری که به صورتی کاملاً غریزی به ذهنم رسید این بود که باید آن مایع را بنوشم. لوله را به لبانم نزدیک کردم و با خود گفتم: «این مایع مرا از عشق و بدبختی رها خواهد کرد!» وقتی کیمیاگر بیدار شد، نیمی از آن مایع را که خوشمزهتر از تمام نوشیدنیهایی بود که تا به امروز انسان چشیده است، خورده بودم. از جای خود پریدم و شیشه از دستم به زمین افتاد. مایع شعلهور شد و زمین را روشن کرد. دستانِ کورنلیوس را که بر گردنم چنگ میانداخت احساس میکردم. فریادزنان گفت: «بیوجدان! تو تمام زحماتِ زندگیِ مرا نابود کردی!»
او نمیدانست که من نیمی از آن مایع را نوشیدهام. تصور میکرد که از روی کنجکاوی لوله را برداشتهام، سپس وحشتزده از درخشندگی و نور شدید ساطع از آن، از دستم به زمین افتاده است. من هم با سکوتم تصور اشتباه او را تأیید کردم. هیچگاه به او نگفتم که در اشتباه بود. آتشی که از آن مایع به وجود آمده بود خاموش شد، رایحهی آن از بین رفت و کیمیاگر کمکم آرامشِ خود را بازیافت، چراکه باید آمادهی پرداخت ِبهای سنگین چنین آزمایشاتی بود. به همین دلیل مرا مرخص کرد.
نمیتوانم توصیف کنم که در ساعات باقی ماندهی آن شبِ خاطرهانگیز روح من چگونه غرق در آرامش و شکوه شده بود. کلمات در برابر شادمانی و آرامشی که هنگام بیدار شدن احساس میکردم پوچ و توخالی به نظر میرسیدند. در آسمان سیر میکردم و افکارم متوجه بهشت بود. گویی زمین تبدیل به بهشت شده بود و میراث من بر آن، لذتی مسحورکننده بود. با خود اندیشیدم: «این رهایی از عشق است. امروز برتا را خواهم دید، درحالی که او عاشقِ خود را سرد و بیاعتنا مییابد. بسیار خوشحالم که نسبت به او متکبر و کاملاً بیتوجه هستم.»
ساعتها از پی هم میگذشتند. کیمیاگر، مطمئن از اینکه یک بار موفق شده است، باور داشت که باز هم میتواند و به همین دلیل دوباره ساختِ دارویش را از سر گرفت. او در را به روی خود بسته بود و غرق کتابها و داروهایش شده بود. بنابراین من آن روز تعطیل بودم. با احتیاط لباس پوشیدم؛ به سپری قدیمی اما جلا داده شده که به جای آینه از آن استفاده میکردم، نگاهی انداختم. به نظرم آمد که ظاهرم به طرز شگفتانگیزی بهتر شده بود. شادمانانه و با عجله از محدودهی شهر خارج شدم. زیبایی بهشت و زمین مرا فراگرفته بود. به سوی قلعه حرکت کردم. میتوانستم با قلبی آسوده برجکهای بلندش را ببینم، چراکه حال از عشق رها شده بودم. همانطور که از خیابان بالا میآمدم، برتا مرا از دوردست دید. نمیدانم به چه دلیل آنقدر ناگهانی، با آغوشی باز، بهسانِ آهویی به سرعت به سمتِ من دوید. اما شخص دیگری به استقبال من آمد: عجوزهی اشرافزادهای که خود را قیم برتا میدانست اما در واقع با ستمگری بر او حکمرانی میکرد. او هم مرا دیده بود. لنگان لنگان و نفسنفسزنان از تراس بالا آمد. غلامی درست به زشتی خودش، زمانی که جلوی برتای زیبای مرا گرفت، به دنبالش بود و او را باد میزد. پیرزن به برتا گفت: «دیگر چه شده معشوقهی گستاخ؟ به کجا چنین شتابان؟ به قفست برگرد! طوطیها آمدند بیرون.»
برتا دستانش را بست، اما نگاهش هنوز به من دوخته شده بود. متوجه اختلافنظری که میان آن دو وجود داشت شدم. چقدر از آن عجوزهی پیر نفرت داشتم که اینگونه برتای خوشقلبِ مرا تحت کنترل خود درآورده بود. تا به حال، برتا به دلیل اختلاف طبقاتی میان من و قیمش، نگذاشته بود بانوی قلعه را ملاقات کنم. حال چنین ملاحظات ناچیزی به نظرم مسخره میآمدند. من از عشق رها شده بودم و فراتر از تمامِ ترسهای انسانی قرار داشتم. قدمهایم را تند کردم و خود را به تراس رساندم. چقدر برتا دوستداشتنی به نظر میرسید. از چشمانش آتش میبارید و گونههایش از بیتابی و خشم گل انداخته بودند. از همیشه زیباتر و دلرباتر شده بود. من دیگر عاشق او نبودم؛ آه، نه! من او را ستایش میکردم، میستودم، میپرستیدم!
آن روز صبح، با خشم و غضبی بیشتر از همیشه، برتا را مجبور کرده بودند تا به ازدواج با رقیبِ من رضایت دهد. او را سرزنش کردند که آلبرت را از خود مطمئن ساخته بود. او را تهدید کرده بودند که با رسوایی و شرم از آنجا بیرونش میاندازند. روح مغرورش پذیرای چنین تهدیدی نبود. اما بعد به یادآورده بود که چه رفتار تمسخرآمیزی با من داشته است و شاید در نتیجهی آن کسی را که اکنون تنها دوست خود میدانست، از دست داده بود. از روی خشم و ندامت شروع به گریستن کرد. در همان لحظه من رسیدم. فریاد زد: «آه، وینزی! مرا به کلبهی مادرت ببر. مرا به سرعت از این تجملات نفرتانگیز و بدبختیهای این خانهی اشرافی دور کن. مرا به سوی تهیدستی و خوشبختی ببر!»
او را در آغوش کشیدم. زبانِ پیرزن از شدتِ عصبانیت بند آمده بود و تنها زمانی که ما در راهِ رسیدن به کلبهی دوران کودکیام بودیم، خشمش فروکش کرد. مادرم با ملایمت و شادمانی از برتا استقبال کرد که از قفسِ طلاکوب رها شده و به سوی طبیعت و آزادی شتافته بود. پدرم که عاشق برتا بود صمیمانه به او خوشآمد گفت. روز بسیار فرخندهای بود. روزی که در آن برای شاد بودن نیازی به معجون آسمانی کیمیاگر نداشتم.
کمی بعد از آن بعدازظهر پرحادثه من و برتا با هم ازدواج کردیم. دیگر شاگرد کورنلیوس نبودم اما دوستِ او باقی ماندم. من همیشه ممنون او بودم که بدون آنکه خود بداند، برای من آن اکسیر سحرآمیز را ساخته بود که به جای آنکه مرا از عشق برهاند، مرا شجاع و ثابت قدم کرده بود که در نتیجهی آن گنجی گرانبها، یعنی برتا از آنِ من شده بود.
گاه با شگفتی حالات گیجی و غفلتم را به خاطر میآوردم. نوشیدنیِ کورنلیوس نتوانست آن کاری را که قرار بود انجام دهد، اما بر من اثراتی نیرومندتر و بهتر از آنی داشت که کلمات بتوانند بیان کنند. شدتش کم شده بود، اما باز هم به اندازهی کافی اثرگذار بود و به زندگیام شکوه و جلال بخشیده بودم. برتا که به آسودگی خاطر و خشنودی من عادت نداشت اغلب تعجب میکرد، چراکه پیش از این در بیشتر مواقع جدی یا حتی غمگین بودم. او حالا بیشتر مرا دوست داشت و روزهایمان سرشار از شادمانی سپری میشد.
پنج سالِ بعد، ناگهان برای حضور بر بالینِ مرگِ کورنلیوس اظهار شدم. او با شتاب کسی را به سراغ من فرستاده بود و خواهش کرده بود تا خودم را به سرعت به آنجا برسانم. وقتی به آنجا رسیدم، روی تختش دراز کشیده بود و آنقدر ضعیف بود که زمانِ مرگش بسیار نزدیک به نظر میرسید. تمامِ نیروی حیاتی که در او باقی مانده بود، در چشمانش جمع شده بود که بر لولهای شیشهای، لبالب از مایعی صورتیرنگ، بودند دوخته شده بود.
با صدایی آرام و ضعیف گفت: «مراقبِ پوچیِ آرزوهای انسانی باش! برای دومین بار است که امیدهای من نقش بر آب میشوند. برای دومین بار است که تمام آنها نابود میشوند. این مایع را که مانند همانیست که با موفقیت پنج سال پیش ساخته بودم به خاطر داری؟ آن زمان هم مانند حال، لبانم تشنهی نوشیدنِ آن معجونِ جاودانگیای بود که تو از من دزدیدی! حال هم دیگر برای نوشیدنِ آن دیر است.»
او به سختی حرف میزد و بعد از تمام شدن سخنانش دوباره روی بالشش افتاد. نتوانستم جلوی خودم را بگیرم و پرسیدم: «استادِ گرامی، چطور معجونی که برای رهایی از عشق ساخته شده بود میتوانست عمر جاودان به شما ببخشد؟
همانطور که صادقانه به او گوش میدادم لبخند محوی زد و پاسخی داد که به زحمت قابلفهم بود: «معجونی برای رهایی از عشق و تمام چیزهای دیگر. معجونی برای جاودانگی. آه! اگر حالا میتوانستم آن را بنوشم، تا ابد زندگی میکردم.»
همانطور که او حرف میزد، نوری از آن مایع ساطع شد و رایحهی به یاد ماندنیاش را در هوا پخش کرد. کورنلیوس با وجودِ ضعف از جای خود برخاست، به نظر میرسید به طرز معجزهآسایی توانِ او بازگشته است. دست خود را کشید. صدای مهیبی مرا از جا پراند. پرتوی آتشی از مایع زبانه گرفت و لولهی شیشهای آن تبدیل به هزاران تکه شد! رویم را به سمتِ کیمیاگر برگرداندم. او به سرجای خود بازگشته بود. با چشمانی باز بیحرکت مانده بود. او مُرده بود.
اما من زنده ماندم و طبقِ گفتهی کیمیاگرِ بداقبال که چند روزی حرفش را باور کرده بودم قرار هم بر این بود که تا ابد زنده بمانم! مستی باشکوهی را که بعد از نوشیدن آن مایعِ دزدی تجربه کردم به خاطر میآوردم. به تغییری که در خودم و در روحم احساس کرده بودم و به سبکی شناوری که تجربه کرده بودم اندیشیدم. خودم را در آینه بازرسی کردم و متوجه شدم که در این پنج سال کوچکترین تغییری نکردهام. نور درخشان و رایحهی دلانگیز آن نوشیدنی خوشطعم را به یاد داشتم که ارزش نوشیدنش را داشت. بنابراین، حال من نامیرا بودم!
چند روز بعد به این افکار سادهلوحانهام خندیدم. ضربالمثل قدیمی «هر پیامبری کمتر از همه جا، در روستای خودش مورد قبول واقع میشود»[۹] دربارهی من و استادِ پیرم صدق میکرد. من او را به عنوان یک انسان دوست داشتم، و به عنوان یک فرد خردمند به او احترام میگذاشتم، اما نمیتوانستم بپذیرم که او توانایی سلطه بر نیروهای تاریک را داشت. به همین دلیل ترسهای موهومی را که به جانم انداخته بود به استهزاء گرفتم. او دانشمند باهوشی بود که با گوشت و خون سروکار داشت، اما با امور معنوی کوچکترین آشناییای نداشت. دانشِ او محدود به اموریِ انسانی بود و من خودم را قانع کرده بودم که علم انسانی هرگز نمیتواند بر قوانین طبیعت غلبه کند، آن هم تا حدی که بتواند روحِ انسان را تا ابد در جسم نفسانیِ او نگاه دارد. کورنلیوس نوشیدنی روحبخشی، مستکنندهتر از شراب و شیرینتر و معطرتر از هر میوهای درست کرده بود. احتمالاً آن نوشیدنی حاوی خواص دارویی قویای بود که قلب را شاد و بدن را نیرومند میساخت؛ اما اثراتش بالاخره از بین میرفتند، چنانچه در من نیز چنین شده بود. من مرد خوشبختی بودم که آن را نوشیدم و روحیهای شاد و سالم و شاید زندگیای طولانی نصیبم شد. اما سعادتم به همین جا ختم میشد. عمر طولانی با زندگی جاودان بسیار متفاوت بود.
سالهای زیادی با همین اندیشه دلخوش بودم. گاهی این پرسش از ذهنم عبور میکرد که آیا واقعاً توانسته بودم کیمیاگر را فریب دهم؟ اما اعتقادِ همیشگیام این بود که سرنوشتِ تمامِ فرزندانِ آدم روزی سراغ من هم خواهد آمد؛ شاید کمی دیرتر از بقیه اما باز هم در سنی معقول. اما در این شکی نبود که ظاهرم به طرز شگفتانگیزی جوان باقی مانده بود. دیگران برای اینکه اغلب خودم را موشکافانه و بیهوده در آینه بررسی میکردم مسخرهام میکردند، با این حال، هیچ تغییری نکرده بودم؛ گونههایم، چشمهایم و تمام صورتم به همان شکلی بود که در بیست سالگی داشتم.
از این قضیه در عذاب بودم. به چهرهی برتا نگاه میکردم که زیبایی کم کم از آن رخت بربسته بود. بیشتر شبیه پسرش بودم. همسایههایمان هم کمکم متوجه این موضوع شدند و متوجه شدم که به من لقبِ شاگرد افسونشده را دادهاند. برتا هم از این قضیه دل خوشی نداشت. او به حدی حسود و زود رنج شده بود که شروع به بازخواست کردن از من کرد. ما هیچ فرزندی نداشتیم و همه کسِ هم بودیم. گرچه هرچه سنِ برتا بالاتر میرفت روحیهی سرزنده و بانشاطش، جای خود را به خویی خشمگین داده و به طرز غمانگیزی زیباییاش از بین رفته بود، من همچنان از صمیم قلبم او را به عنوان معشوقهای که روزی میپرستیدم و همسر موردِ علاقهام که عمیقاً عاشقش بودم، دوست داشتم.
در نهایت وضعیتمان غیرقابل تحمل شد. برتا پنجاه ساله شده بود، درحالی که من هنوز بیست ساله به نظر میآمدم. گرچه من از برخی جهات عاداتی مناسبِ سن حقیقیام پیدا کرده بودم؛ دیگر میان افراد جوان و خوشحال نمیرقصیدم، اما وقتی جلوی پاهایم را میگرفتم قلبم با آنها بود. افزون بر این، در میان افرادِ روستا خود را فرد غمگینی نشان میدادم. اما پیش از آنکه زمانی که گفتم فرا برسد، اوضاع تغییر کرده بود. همهی مردم از ما، یا دستِکم از من پرهیز میکردند. آنها تصور میکردند من با برخی از دوستان و آشنایانِ تبهکارِ استادِ پیشینیم سر و سری دارم. دلشان برای برتا میسوخت اما از او هم گریزان بودند. همه با وحشت و بیزاری از من دوری میکردند.
چه کاری میتونستیم بکنیم؟ کنار آتش مینشستیم و سرمای فقر را احساس میکردیم، چراکه هیچکس دیگر محصولاتِ مزرعهی مرا نمیخرید و اغلب برای فروش آنها مجبور میشدم بیش از سی کیلومتر راه را بپیمایم تا به مکانی برسم که در آنجا کسی مرا نمیشناخت. درست است که برای روز مبادا مقداری پول جمع کرده بودیم، و آن روز رسیده بود.
جوانی با قلبِ پیر و همسرِ سالخوردهاش کنار آتش نشسته بودند. برتا باز هم اصرار کرد تا حقیقت را بداند؛ هرآنچه تا به حال دربارهی من شنیده بود و مشاهدات خودش را بیان کرد. التماس میکرد تا این طلسم را باطل کنم؛ میگفت که در این سن و سال موهای خاکستری بیشتر از موهای خرمایی رنگ به من میآید؛ مردم برای افراد سالمند احترام و حرمت بیشتری قائلاند؛ و چه توجه اندکی به جوانان میشود. آیا موهبتهای جوانی و خوشسیمایی ارزشِ چنین رسوایی، نفرت و حقارت را داشت؟ نه. در نهایت مرا به عنوان کسی که دستی در جادوی سیاه داشت، میسوزاندند و او را که در جریان هیچ چیز نبود به جرمِ همدستی با من سنگسار میکردند. در نهایت از من میخواست که رازم را با او در میان بگذارم و او را نیز از موهبتهایی که خودم از آنها لذت میبردم بهرهمند سازم، چرا که در غیراین صورت علیه من شهادت میداد؛ بعد از این حرفها میزد زیر گریه.
بنابراین، درحالی که به ستوه آمده بودم، به نظرم بهترین راه حل این بود که به او حقیقت را بگویم. به ملایمترین شیوهای که میتوانستم همهی ماجرا را برایش تعریف کردم، البته فقط به یک زندگی طولانی اشاره کردم و حرفی از جاودانگی نزدم، چراکه زندگی طولانی با عقاید خودم هم سازگارتر بود. وقتی تمام ماجرا را تعریف کردم، از جایم بلند شدم و گفتم: «حال، برتای من، آیا عشق جوانیات را محکوم خواهی کرد؟ میدانم که چنین نمیکنی. اما همسرِ بیچارهام، بسیار دشوار است که تو انقدر از بختِ بدِ من و هنر نفرینشدهی کورنلیوس رنج و عذاب بکشی. من تو را ترک میکنم. تو به اندازهی کافی پول داری و در غیابِ من دوستان به سوی تو بازمیگردند. من میروم و چون ظاهری جوان و نیرومند دارم، میتوانم میان افراد غریبهای که مرا نمیشناسند و به من شکی ندارند، کار کنم. در دوران جوانی من عاشق تو بودم؛ خداوند شاهد است که نمیخواستم در سنین پیری تو را ترک کنم، اما برای حفظ امنیت و خوشبختی تو لازم است که من بروم.»
کلاهم را برداشتم و به سمتِ در رفتم. اما در همان لحظه برتا دستانش را به دورِ گردنم انداخت و لبانم را بوسید و گفت: «نه، همسر من، وینزیِ من. تو نباید تنها بروی. مرا هم با خودت ببر. ما از اینجا خواهیم رفت و همانطور که خودت هم گفتی، میان غریبهها زندگی امن و نامشکوکی خواهیم داشت. من آنقدرها هم پیر نشدم که مایع شرمساری تو شوم. وینزی من، مطمئنم که اثر این طلسم به زودی از بین خواهد رفت و با لطفِ خدا، مناسبِ سنت مسنتر به نظر خواهی آمد. تو نباید مرا ترک کنی.»
او را مهربانانه در آغوش گرفتم و گفتم: «برتای من، تو را ترک نخواهم کردم. اما برای حفظ امنیت خودت بود که به چنین چیزی فکر کرده بودم. تا زمانی که کنار من آسیبی به تو نرسد، من همسر حقیقی و وفادار تو خواهم ماند و تا آخرین لحظه وظایفم را در قبال تو به عنوان شوهرت انجام خواهم داد.»
روز بعد مخفیانه مقدمات سفرمان را آماده کردیم. مجبور بودیم ضررهای مالی زیادی را تحمل کنیم و راهی برای جلوگیری از آن نبود. مقداری پول که دستِکم تا زمانِ زنده ماندنِ برتا کفافمان را بدهد جمع و جور کردیم و بدون آنکه با کسی خداحافظی کنیم، دیار خودمان را ترک کردیم و به محلی پرت و دور افتاده در غرب فرانسه رفتیم. بیرحمانه بود که برتای بیچاره را از روستای محل تولدش و از دوستانِ جوانیاش دور کنم و او را به کشوری جدید، با زبان و فرهنگی دیگر ببرم. این مهاجرت به دلیلِ راز عجیب و غریبم برای من بیاهمیت بود، اما عمیقاً دلم برای برتا میسوخت و خوشحال بودم که او برای جبران بدبختیهایش روشهای مضحکی پیدا کرده بود. به دور از سخنچینان، برتا تلاش میکرد تا به کمکِ هنرهای زنانه- سرخاب، پیراهنهای جوانپسند و رفتارهایی متناسب با جوانان- اختلافِ ظاهریمان را از بین ببرد. من نمیتوانستم به این دلیل از دستِ او عصبانی باشم، چراکه خودم هم نقابی بر صورت داشتم. چرا باید به دلیل اینکه روشِ او خیلی کارآمد نبود با او دعوا میکردم؟ وقتی به یاد میآوردم که این پیرزنِ ادا اطواری، مسخره و حسود همان برتای من است که زمانی عمیقاً عاشقش بودم، همان برتایی که گیسوان و چشمانی سیاه و لبخندی سحرآمیز داشت و همچون آهویی قدم برمیداشت، بسیار اندوهگین میشدم. میدانستم وظیفه دارم تا به گیسوان خاکستری و گونههای چروکیدهاش احترام بگذارم، اما بیش از این نمیتوانستم بر این نوع ضعف انسانی دل بسوزانم.
حسادت او هرگز از بین نرفت. دلمشغولی اصلیاش این بود که نشان دهد من هم، علیرغمِ ظاهرم، در حال پیر شدنم. من به راستی باور داشتم که آن روحِ پیر واقعاً دوستم داشت اما هرگز هیچ زنی عشقش را اینگونه عذابآور ابراز نکرده است. درحالی که من ظاهری جوان و نیرومند داشتم، او چین و چروکهای صورتم و ضعف و ناتوانی در قدمهایم را تشخیص میداد. هرگز جرئت نکردم که جلوی او دربارهی زن دیگری صحبت کنم. یکبار که برتا خیال کرده بود، دخترِ زیبای روستا با چشمانی علاقهمند به من نگاه کرده بود، برایم کلاهگیسی خاکستری خرید. در میانِ آشنایانش مدام میگفت که گرچه من جوان به نظر میرسم، بدنِ بیماری دارم و بدترین نشانهی بیماریام هم این است که ظاهرم جوان باقی مانده است. او میگفت که جوانی من یک بیماریست و با اینکه شاید لازم نباشد هر روز صبح در انتظار مرگی ناگهانی و مهیب باشم، باید دستِکم انتظار آن را داشته باشم که یک روز از خواب بیدار شوم و ببینم که کل موهایم سفید شدهاند و ناگهان بر اثر گذران این همه سال پشتم خمیده شده است. اجازه میدادم هرچه دوست دارد بگوید، حتی گاهی او را همراهی میکردم. هشدارهای او همواره در جهتِ ابراز نگرانیهای بیوقفهی او دربارهی وضعیتِ من بود. و گرچه برای من دردناک بود، مشتاقانه به تمامِ حرفهایش که برخاسته از هوش و تخیل هیجانزدهاش بود گوش میکردم.
چرا باید به این جزئیات بیاهمیت فکر میکردم؟ ما سالها با هم زندگی کرده بودیم. برتا فلج و بستری شده بود، من همچون مادری که از فرزندش مراقبت میکند، از او پرستاری کردم. زود رنج شده بود و تنها موضوعی که در فکرش میگذشت این بود که چه مدت میتوانم او را زنده نگاه دارم. اغلب این فکر که وظیفهام را در قبال او تمام و کمال انجام داده بودم، مایهی تسلای خاطرم بود. او در جوانی و پیری از آنِ من بود، و در نهایت وقتی روی جسدش را با خاک پوشاندم، گریستم چراکه احساس میکردم تمام آنچه را که مرا به انسانیت متصل کرده بود از دست دادهام.
بعد از برتا، افراد زیادی مایهی آرامش و رنج من بودند؛ بعد از او چه لذتهای کم و پوچی داشتم! دیگر بیشتر از این داستان زندگیام را ادامه نمیدهم. گمشدهتر و درماندهتر از ملوانی بودم که بدون سکان و قطبنما در دریایی طوفانی رها شده بود، یا مسافری گمشده در بیشهزاری بسیار بزرگ بدون آنکه نشانه یا ستارهای او را در جهت درست راهنمایی کند. یک کشتی نزدیک یا نور ضعیفی از کلبهای در دوردست میتوانست آنها را نجات دهد، اما من به جز امید به مرگ، هیچ راه نجات دیگری نداشتم.
مرگ! این دوستِ بدسیما و اسرارآمیزِ ضعفهای بشریت! چرا از میانِ تمام میرایان، فقط مرا از پناهگاه امنت راندی؟ آه، آرامش گور! سکوتِ ژرف تابوتی آهنی! مغزم دیگر نمیتواند به چنین افکاری بیاندیشد و در قلبم دیگر احساسات غمانگیز جایی ندارند.
به پرسش نخستم باز میگردم: آیا من نامیرا هستم؟ در وهلهی نخست، احتمال دارد که نوشیدنی کیمیاگر صرفاً تضمینکنندهی عمری طولانی بوده باشد نه زندگیای جاودان. من هم امیدم به همین است. و نکتهی بعدی این است که من فقط نیمی از آن معجون را نوشیدم. آیا برای تکمیلِ طلسمِ آن معجون نباید تمامِ آن را مینوشیدم؟ نوشیدنِ نیمی از اکسیر جاودانگی به معنای آن است که به صورت نصفه نیمهای جاودان میشوی. بنابراین ابدیت من کوتاه و بیارزش خواهد بود.
با این حال، چه کسی نصفِ سالهای عمری جاودان را خواهد شمرد؟ اغلب به این مسئله میاندیشم که ابدیت براساس چه قانونی تقسیم میشود؟ گاهی خیال میکنم دارم کمکم پیر میشوم. در سرم یک موی خاکستری پیدا کردم. احمق! آیا غصه میخورم؟ بله، ترس از پیری و مرگ به سردی واردِ قلبم میشود؛ و هرچه بیشتر زندگی میکنم، بیشتر از مرگ میترسم، حتی با اینکه از زندگی نیز بیزارم. این معمای آدمیزادیست که با اینکه به دنیا آمده تا بمیرد، همچون من دشمنِ قوانینِ طبیعت است.
اما مطمئناً ممکن است روزی بمیرم چراکه داروی کیمیاگر نمیتواند در برابر آتش، شمشیر و آبهای خفهکننده مقاومت کند. به ژرفای آبی دریاچههای آرام و رودخانههای خروشان زیادی خیره شده و با خود فکر کردهام که آرامش، درون این آبهاست؛ اما باز هم روی برگردانده و یک روز دیگر به زنده بودن ادامه دادهام. بارها از خودم پرسیدهام که آیا خودکشی یک جرم است یا تنها دری را به سوی جهانی دیگر باز میکند؟ به جز معرفی خودم به عنوان یک سرباز یا دوئل باز، همه کار کردهام. نمیخواستم وسیلهای برای تخریب همنوعانِ میرایم باشم؛ به همین دلیل از آنها دور شدم. البته آنها دیگر همنوعانِ من به شمار نمیروند؛ نیروی مهارنشدنی زندگی در من و وجودِ زودگذرِ آنها ما را همچون دو قطبِ مخالف از یکدیگر جدا میساخت. حتی نمیتوانستم در برابر پستترین یا قویترینِ آنها بایستم.
بنابراین سالهای زیادی را سپری کردم، تنها، بیزار از خود و در آرزوی مرگ، با این حال هیچگاه نمردم- من یک نامیرای میرایم. هیچ هدف و آرزویی در ذهنم نداشتم و آن عشق سوزانی که روزگاری در قلبم ریشه دوانده بود هرگز بازنگشت و خاطرهی آن فقط مایهی عذاب من بود و دیگر کسی را نیافتم تا زندگیام را با او شریک شوم.
امروز به نقشهای فکر کردم که شاید بتوانم به کمکِ آن همه چیز را تمام کنم؛ بدون آنکه خودم را بکشم یا کسی را مجبور به کشتنم بکنم: سفری اکتشافی که بدنِ انسانهای میرای هرگز توانایی زنده ماندن در آن را ندارد، شاید جوانی و نیرومندی من هم در برابر آن تاب نیاورد. بنابراین جاودانگی خودم را در بوتهی آزمایش قرار خواهم داد؛ یا کشته خواهم شد، یا به سوی انسانهای خیرخواه و شگفتانگیز بازخواهم گشت.
پیش از رفتنم، غروری واهی مرا واداشت تا این چند صفحه را بنویسم. اگر بمیرم نامی از من باقی نخواهد ماند. سه قرن از زمانی که آن معجونِ مهلک را نوشیدهام گذشته است. از این جا به بعد حتی یک سال را هم بدونِ روبهرو شدن با خطراتی غولآسا نخواهم گذراند: دست و پنجه نرم کردن با قدرتهای جنگل، مبارزه با قحطی، کارهای مشقتبار و طوفانهای کشنده. من این بدن را به سوی عناصر تخریبکنندهی هوا و آب رهسپار میکنم، بدنی که سرسختتر از آن است که زندانی برای روحی باشد که تشنهی آزادیست. اما اگر زنده بمانم، نامم میان مشهورترین انسانها قرار خواهد گرفت و در آن صورت کارم را به سرانجام رساندهام. روشهای قطعیتری را انتخاب خواهم کرد و با پراکندن و نابود کردنِ اتمهایی که بدنِ مرا تشکیل دادهاند، زندگی زندانی شده در آن را آزاد خواهم کرد و بدینترتیب بیرحمانه جلوی ادامه دادن آن را در زمینِ تاریک خواهم گرفت و آن را به قلمرویی رهسپار خواهم کرد که بیشتر متناسب این ذاتِ جاودان است.
پانویسها:
ترجمۀ درست متی ۱۳ : ۵۷ اینه: «هر پیامبری کمتر از همه جا در روستای خودش مورد قبول واقع میشود.»
و با توجه به جملۀ بعد (که میگه من به استادم احترام میذاشتم، ولی بهش باور نداشتم) این ترجمه درست تره.
ترجمۀ همین جمله به نقل از ترجمۀ مژده:
«یک نبی در همه جا مورد احترام است، جز در وطن خود و در میان خانوادۀ خویش.»
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