مارگارت سنت. کلیر[۱]
پس از آن ماجرا سالها کابوسهایی دربارهی آن میدیدم، از آن نوع کابوسهایی که انگار کسی در حال تعقیب کردنت است و تو بیهوده تلاش میکنی تا از شر او نجات پیدا کنی. همیشه بعد از بیدار شدن احساس بدی دربارهی این کابوسها داشتم. هیچوقت نتوانستم تصمیم بگیرم که کابوس دیدن من توجیهی داشت یا نه.
ماجرا از زمانی شروع شد که در سال ۱۹۳۳ رفتم تا با خاله موریل[۲] زندگی کنم. زمانی که نامهی دعوت او به دستم رسید، شش ماهی میشد که بیکار بودم و در آن دو هفتهی آخر غذای زیادی نخورده بودم.
اول از همه باید بگوییم که خاله موریل واقعاً خالهی من نبود. او یکی از خالههای بزرگ مادریام بود که آخرین بار وقتی هنوز بچهای با چشمانی درشت بودم و شلوارکهای کوتاه به پا میکردم او را دیده بودم.
دعوتنامهی او متعجبم کرد، با این حال در نامه توضیح داده بود که او پیرزن تنهاییست که حسابی احساس تنهایی میکند و نیاز دارد تا چهرهی دوستانه و مهربانی دور و برش باشد و من هم گرسنهتر از آن بودم که بیش از این درگیر سردرآوردن از ماجرا شوم.
درون پاکتنامه مقداری پول و بلیطی برای شهر دونی[۳]، محل زندگی او قرار داشت. بعد از آنکه با آن پول، اجارهی اتاقم را پرداخت کردم و برای خودم غذای درست و حسابیای خریدم و دلی از عزا درآوردم، دو دلار و ۱۳ سنت برایم باقی ماند. سوار قطار عصر به مقصد دونی شدم و روز بعد، نزدیکِ ظهر درحال بالا رفتن از پلههای ورودی خانهی خاله موریل بودم.
خود خاله موریل به استقبالم دم در آمد و به نظر میرسید از دیدن من خوشحال است. برای خوشامدگویی به من لبخندی زد که گوشهی لبهایش را چین انداخت.
او گفت: «خیلی کار خوبی کردی که اومدی اینجا، چارلز[۴]! نمیدانم چطور ازت تشکر کنم! واقعاً لطف کردی!»
تازه داشت از این دختر پیر خوشم میآمد. به نظرم از ۱۵ سال پیش تا الان پیرتر نشده بود. هنوز هم مثل آن زمان از این سینهبندهای قدیمی به تن داشت و حلقهای به دور گردنش بود. به چابلوسانهترین شکل ممکن به او گفتم که کوچکترین تغییری نکرده است.
با صدای ریزی گفت: «اوه، چارلز! عجب پاچهخواری!» لبخند دیگری زد و مرا به داخل هدایت کرد.
به دنبال او به اتاقم در طبقهی دوم رفتم. آن اتاق سقف بسیار بلندی داشت. تختِ ۴ ستونهی بلندی هم در آنجا بود که برای جدا کردنش از فضای اتاق باید پرده میداشت. بعد از رفتنس، چمدان تقریباً خالی چرمیام را داخل کمد بزرگ قرار دادم و به حمامِ کناری رفتم تا خودم را تمیز کنم.
وقتی رفتم پایین، ناهار روی میزناهارخوری پهن شده بود و خدمتکار که آشکارا پیرتر از خاله موریل بود سراسیمه در رفت و آمد بود تا بشقابهای بیشتری بیاورد. به اصرارِ خالهام انقدر غذا خوردم که دیگر داشتم از حال میرفتم. بعد نشستم، سیگاری روشن و به حرفهای او گوش کردم.
صحبتش را با افسوس خوردن برای سن و سال و تنهایی خودش شروع کرد و بعد ابراز خوشحالی کرد که یکی از خویشاوندان جوانش از حالا به بعد قرار بود کنارش باشد.
فهمیدم که از من انتظار میرود تا یک جورهایی مفید و به دردبخور باشم، مثلاً سگ پامرانین ناخوشایندی به نام تدی را بیرون ببرم و نامهها را از صندوق پست به داخل خانه بیاورم. کوچکترین مشکلی با این مسئله نداشتم و این را به او گفتم.
وقفهای در صحبتمان به وجود آمد. سپس تدی را که در طول غذاخوردنمان روی زمین نشسته بود، بلند کرد و روی پاهایش نشاند و شروع به تعریف کاری کرد که آن را سرگرمی خود تلقی میکرد. در طول یک سال پیش، شروع به طراحی کرده بود و آنطور که خودش میگفت این کار کمکم تبدیل به وسواس شده بود.
درحالی که تدی را با یک دست گرفته بود، بلند شد و به سمت میزکناری از جنس چوب گردو رفت و با پوشهای از طراحیهایش برگشت تا من نگاهی به آنها بیندازم.
گفت: «تقریباً بیشتر مواقع اینجا در اتاق غذاخوری طراحی میکنم. چون نور اینجا خیلی خوب است.» بعد ۵۰-۶۰ صفحهی کوچک طراحی به دستم داد و گفت: «نظرت را دربارهی این طرحها بگو»
طرحها را در میان ظرفهای کثیفِ غذا، روی میز غذاخوری پهن کردم و با احتیاط به بررسی آنها پرداختم. تمام آنها با مداد کشیده شده بودند، به جز یکی دوتا که آبرنگ محوی در آنها دیده میشد و همهی آنها موضوع یکسانی داشتند: چهار سیب درون یک کاسهی چینی.
روی آنها به شدت کار شده بود؛ خاله موریل مدام پاک کرده بود، کشیده بود و دوباره پاک کرده بود، تاحدی که سطح کاغذ نازک شده بود. به سختی به مغزم فشار آوردم تا چیز خوبی دربارهی آنها بگویم.
بعد از یک دقیقه فشار آوردن به خودم بالاخره گفتم: «شمااا… شما واقعاً توانستید جوهرهی آن سیبها را به تصویر بکشید. خیلی کار ارزشمندیست.»
خالهام لبخند زد و پاسخ داد: «خیلی خوشحالم که از آنها خوشت آمده است. خدمتکارم، ایمی[۵] مدام به من میگفت که احمقم که انقدر زیاد روی آنها کار میکنم، اما نمیتوانستم جلوی خودم را بگیرم، تا وقتی که کامل و بینقص نمیشدند نمیتوانستم دست بردارم.» پس از مکثی ادامه داد: «میدانی چارلز، من یک مشکل بسیار بزرگ دارد.»
«چه مشکلی؟»
«سیبها خیلی زود خراب میشدند. خیلی وحشتناک بود. به محض اینکه کار آن روزم تمام میشد، آنها را در جعبهی یخی میگذاشتم، با این حال، باز هم بعد از دو یا سه هفته خراب میشدند. تا اینکه ایمی به ذهنش رسید که آنها را درون موم غوطهور کنیم تا این شکلی بیشتر دوام بیاورند.»
«فکر خوبیست.»
«آره واقعاً فکر خوبی بود. اما میدانی چارلز، اخیراً از سیبها خسته شدهام. دلم میخواهد یک چیز دیگر را امتحان کنم… داشتم فکر میکردم آن درخت کوچکی که روی چمن بیرون است، موضوع خوبی میشود.»
به سمت پنجره رفت تا درختی را که منظورش بود به من نشان دهد. به دنبالش رفتم. نهال جوانی بود که تازه برگهایی درآورده بود. خالهام گفت که شکوفههای هلو میدهد.
«به نظرت موضوع خوبی نیست، چارلز؟ فکر کنم وقتی بعدازظهر تدی را به پیادهروی بردی، فرصت خوبی باشد که شروع به کشیدنش کنم.»
ایمی به خالهام کمک کرد تا چند لایه لباس بر تن کند و شالگردنی به دور گردنش انداخت. من هم چهارپایهی وسایل، سه پایه، جعبهی مدادها و کاغذها را بردم بیرون در باغ.
کمی نسبت به جای وسایل سختگیر بود، اما در نهایت موفق شدم راضیاش کنم. پس از آن، گرچه ترجیح میدادم بروم بالا چرت بعد از ناهارم را بزنم، قلادهی کوچک و ناخوشایند تدی را به دست گرفتم و شروع به پیادهروی در شهر دونی کردیم.
به زودی متوجه شدم که دونی از آن نوع شهرهایی بود که بیشتر زندگی اجتماعیاش اطراف داروخانهها در جریان بود، اما هرجور بود، با اجازه دادن به تدی برای بررسی تیرچراغبرقی که توجه او را به خود جلب کرده بود، توانستم دو ساعت را سر کنم.
توقع داشتم که در هنگام بازگشتم، خاله موریل را در باغ، سخت مشغول طراحی ببینم. اما او رفته بود داخل خانه و خبری از چهارپایه و سهپایه نبود. اطرافِ خانه را به دنبالش گشتم، اما خبری از او نبود. بنابراین گذاشتم تدی در اتاق غذاخوری برود در جعبهاش، بعد رفتم بالا تا چرت به تعویقافتادهام را بزنم.
اما خوابم نبرد. به دلایل نامربوطی مدام به آن طرحهای سختگیرانه از کاسهی سیبها فکر میکردم. تا موقعِ شام، روی تخت دراز کشیدم و سوراخهای روی دیوار را شمردم.
شام فراوان و خوب بود. اما خالهام کجخلق بود. وقتی ایمی ظرفهای شام را جمع کرد و خالهام تدی را بغل کرد و او را در مکان مخصوصش روی پاهایش گذاشت، دلیل ناراحتی او را فهمیدم.
غرولندکنان گفت: «طراحیام خوب پیش نرفت. باد مدام آن برگها را تکان میداد و نتوانستم اصلاً چیزی بکشم.»
به شکلی احمقانه گفتم: «من متوجه باد نشدم، خاله موریل.»
با عصبانت گفت: «تو به هیچچیز توجهی نداری! برگها حتی برای یک دقیقه هم وضعیت ثابتی نداشتند.»
برای بهتر کردن اوضاع لحظهای تأمل کردم.
با لحنی تسلیبخش گفتم: «میتوانم درک کنم که چنین چیزی تمرکز هنرمندی همچون شما را به هم میزند. متأسفم، من زیاد با خلقوخوی هنرمندها آشنا نیستم.» اینکه او را هنرمند خطاب کردم، باعث خوشحالیاش شد.
گفت: «میدانم که منظور بدی نداشتی. مسئله این است که تا وقتی چیزی کاملاً ثابت نباشد، نمیتوانم آن را بکشم. به همین دلیل است که مدتها مشغول همان سیبها بودم. اما الان دلم میخواهد آن درخت را بکشم. ماندم که…» پس از آن به مدتی طولانی، بعد از نوشیدن دو فنجان قهوه در فکر فرو رفته بود.
آخر سر گفت: «چارلز، داشتم فکر میکردم که باید آن درخت را فردا برای من قطع کنی و به داخل خانه بیاوری. آن را داخل یکی از آن بطریهای دوقلوی شیر میگذارم. اینطوری بدون آنکه باد مزاحمم شود میتوانم بکشمش.»
معترضانه گفتم: «اما آن یک نهال زیبای کوچک است. تازه بعد از قطع کردنش زیاد دوام نمیآورد.»
پاسخ داد: «اوه، اون فقط یه درخته. از گلخانه یکی دیگر میگیرم و در مورد پژمرده شدنش هم باید بگویم که ایمی به خوبی میتواند از گیاهان مراقبت کند. با ریختن آسپرین و شکر در آب آنها کاری میکند که تا ابد دوام بیاورند. البته که مجبورم به سرعت کار کنم. اما اگر دو سه ساعت صبحها و چهار پنج ساعت بعد از ناهار کار کنم، میتوانم تمامش کنم.»
تا جایی که برای او اهمیت داشت، بدینترتیب مسئله حل شده بود.
صبح روز بعد، فوراً بعد از صبحانه خاله موریل تبر کوچک زنگزدهای به من داد و به من گفت که به سمت انبارِ پشت خانه بروم. با علاقهی ترسناکی مرا در حال تیز کردن تبر تماشا کرد و سپس تا محل اجرای اعدام همراهیام کرد. درحالی که احساس یک قاتل را داشتم، نهال کوچک را با چند ضربه از تنهاش جدا کردم و آن را به درون خانه بردم.
باقی آن روز و سه چهار روز بعد را مشغول انجام کارهای باغ بودم. همیشه از باغبانی خوشم میآمد، چند گیاه بسیار زیبا هم در آنجا وجود داشت، گرچه مدتها بود به آنها رسیدگی نشده بود. چندتا از گیاهان چندساله را تقسیم کردم و خاک اطرافشان را با استخوان و غذا غنی کردم. در انبار مقداری سولفاتِ نیکوتین وجود داشت که با پاشیدن آنها روی گیاهان برای از بین بردن سوسکها و شتهها حسابی بهم خوش گذشت.
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روز جمعه، هنگام صبحانه دیدم یک اسکناس ۵ دلاری کنار دستمالم است. نگاهی به خاله موریل انداختم و ابروهایم را با حالت پرسشآمیزی بالا بردم. درحالی که گونههای شل و وارفتهاش کمی سرخ شدند، سرش را به نشانهی تأیید تکان داد تا بفهمم که آن پول مال من است.
به دقت آن اسکناس را تا کردم و درون جیبم گذاشتمش. نسبت به آن دختر پیر احساس قدردانی میکردم. واقعاً نظر لطفش بود که پول خریدِ سیگارم را این چنین تأمین میکرد. تصمیم گرفتم آن بعدازظهر بروم بیرون و برایش هدیهی کوچکی بخرم.
متوجه شدم که در دونی حق انتخاب زیادی ندارم. بعد از تردید میان یک آهوی چینی و یک تنگ ماهی قرمز، بالاخره تصمیم گرفتم که تنگ ماهی قرمز را بخرم چون احساس میکردم سرزندهتر است. وقتی رفتم تا آنها را بخرم، فهمیدم که درک[۶]، فروشندهای که آنها را میفروخت، پیش از این در کالیفرنیا بوده و عملاً یکی از دوستانم به شمار میرفت. همان شب برای گپ و گفتی با او قرار گذاشتم.
ظاهراً خاله موریل حسابی از آن ماهی قرمزها خوشش آمده بود. از حرکات موجدار و شفافیت دُمشان حسابی ذوقزده شده بود و در نهایت تنگ را روی میز کوچکی کنار سهپایهی نقاشیاش گذاشت.
کمکم برنامهی روزانهمان مشخص شد. صبحها و بعدازظهرها خاله موریل در اتاق غذاخوری مشغول طراحی میشد و من در باغ کار میکردم. پس از آنکه تدی را به گردش میبردم، وظیفهی بعضی از تعمیرات کوچک را در خانه برعهده میگرفتم.
اواسط هفتهی دومی که پیش خاله موریل مانده بودم، درخت هلو بدون هیچ امیدی کاملاً پژمرده شد. خاله موریل این خبر و اینکه باید دورش بیندازند را هنگام شام با لحنی که حاکی از اعلام فاجعهی بسیار بزرگی بود به من گفت. مجموعهای از ۳۲ طرحی را که توانسته بود پیش از وقوع این فاجعه تمام کند، به دقت کالبدشکافی کردیم.
یکی از آنها را که به نظرم ارزش زیباییشناسی بیشتری داشت انتخاب کردم. او هم تصدیق کرد که آن طرح موردعلاقهاش بوده است و همه چیز روبهراه شد.
با این حال، میتوانستم ببینم که به دنبال این بود که پس از آن چه بکشد.
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روز بعد با بیقراری اطراف خانه را به دنبال یافتن موضوع جدیدی برای کشیدن میگشت. در باغ مشغول کاشتن دانههای گل میمون بودم و مدام میآمد پیشم که نظرم را دربارهی موضوعات مختلفی که انتخاب کرده بود بپرسد. وقتی برای خوردن ناهار به داخل خانه رفتم، متوجه شدم که مدام نگاه متفکرانهای به تنگ ماهی میاندازد، اما در آن لحظه هیچ حدسی دربارهی افکار او نزدم.
آن شب وقتی از خانهی دِرِک بازگشتم، دم در به استقبالم آمد و مرا به آشپزخانه که جوی سرشار از پیروزی داشت برد.
درحالی که دستانش را گذاشته بود روی دستگیرهی یخچال، گفت: «کمی در این باره استرس داشتم. اما آخر سر خیلی خوب از آب درآمد.» در یخچال را باز کرد، در اعماق یخچال چیزی را جستوجو کرد و در نهایت تنگ ماهی قرمز را بیرون کشید. بخارِ سردی از روی سطح آن بالا میآمد. به طرز احمقانهای به آن خیره شده بودم.
ادامه داد: «میدانستم که امکان ندارد آن ماهی ثابت باقی بماند، با این حال شدیداً دلم میخواست آن را بکشم. بنابراین فکر کردم و فکر کردم و فکر کردم و در نهایت واقعاً احساس کردم که این ایدهی معرکهایست، با اینکه ایدهی خودم بودم! فقط درجهی کنترل سرما را تا پایینترین حد آوردم و تنگ را درون یخچال گذاشتم، چند ساعت بعد که برگشتم، کاملاً یخ زده بود.»
«میترسیدم که وقتی آب یخ میزند، تنگ ترک بردارد، اما این طور نشد. ببین، یخ کاملاً شفاف است.» حولهای را برداشت و بخار آب را از روی تنگ پاک کردم تا بتوانم دو ماهی قرمزی را که در یخ ثابت باقی مانده بودند ببینم. «حالا میتوانم بدون هیچ مشکلی آنها را بکشم. فوقالعاده نیست؟»
پاسخ دادم بله واقعاً فوقالعاده است و به محض آنکه توانستم به اتاقم در طبقهی بالا رفتم. این اتفاق باعث شده بود تا طعم ناخوشایندی را در دهانم احساس کنم. نه اینکه زندگی آن ماهیهای قرمز برایم اهمیتی داشت، با این حال…
به نظر میرسید از دیدن شنا کردن آنها لذت میبرد و من آنها را به او داده بودم و حالا… عجب جهنمی!
صبح روز بعد، پیش از آنکه به یاد بیاورم چه چیزی آزارم میداد، با احساس ناخوشایندی از خواب بیدار شدم. وقتی ماجرا را به خاطر آوردم تصمیم گرفتم مانند یک آدمِ بیخیالِ سرخوش رفتار کنم. اینکه اجازه بدهم مرگِ دو ماهی قرمز با آن چشمهای ورقلمبیدهشان ناراحتم کند، نهایتِ حماقت بود. برای خوردن صبحانه سوتزنان پایین رفتم.
بعد از خوردنِ صبحانه، خاله موریل تنگ را از یخچال درآورد و مشغول کار شد. من به باغ رفتم و مدتی با تفنگ سمپاش مشغول سمپاشی گیاهان شدم.
به دیوارهای خانه نگاه کردم و فکری به ذهنم رسید. بهتر نبود آن را دوباره رنگ کنم؟ نظر خالهام را پرسیدم و او هم موافق بود. بعد از حساب کتاب و برآورد هزینهها، رفتم از مغازه سطل رنگی خریدم و شروع کردم به پاشیدن آن به دیوارها.
کار به آهستگی پیش میرفت. روزها سپری میشدند و من تبدیل به مشتری ثابت مغازهی رنگفروشی شده بودم. خاله موریل هشتاد و یکمین طرحش از ماهی قرمزها را تمام کرده بود که من تازه اولین روکش رنگ خانه را کشیدم. سطح دیوارها انقدر خراب بودند که باید دستکم دوباره کلش را رنگ میکردم.
بدون آنکه متوجه شوم بهار جای خود را به تابستان داد. من هنوز مشغول رنگ کردن خانه بودم و خاله موریل هنوز داشت ماهیهای قرمز را نقاشی میکرد و هر دو به صورت فزایندهای غرق در کار خودمان شده بودیم.
واقعاً داشت بهم خوش میگذشت. دِرِک مرا به خواهرش معرفی کرده بود. او دختر موسیاه شیرینی بود، دقیقاً همان ویژگیهایی که در زنان بیش از هرچیزی برایم جذاب بود. خود دِرِک هم با دختر دیگری آشنا شده بود. هر هفته چند شب با هم بیرون میرفتیم. آن اتاق اجارهایام در شهر که پول پرداخت اجارهاش را نداشتم و جستوجوی بینتیجه برای یافتن کار به نظر بسیار دور میآمدند.
یک روز پیش از آنکه خاله موریل اعلام کند طراحیاش از ماهیهای قرمز تمام شده است، رنگ کردن خانه را به پایان رسانده بودم. احساس میکردم باید جشن بگیریم. بنابراین کف صابون و سولفات نیکوتین را با هم قاطی کردم و برای خوشحال کردن خودم گیاهان فراموش شده را تمیز کردم.
روز بعد خاله موریل آخرین طرحهای دقیقش از ماهی قرمزها را به دستم داد و با هم آنها را بررسی کردیم. دیگر از این کالبدشکافیهای دقیق هرچیزی که مشغول کشیدنش بود حالم به هم میخورد اما تا جایی که میتوانستم سعی کردم آن وضعیت را تحمل کنم.
وقتی کارمان تمام شد، گفت: «چارلز، داشتم فکر میکردم. به نظرت تدی موضوع خوبی برای پروژهی بعدی من خواهد بود؟»
به حیوان کوچک که روی پای خاله موریل دراز کشیده بود نگاه کردم. بله، فکر میکنم موضوع خوبی میشد، اما آیا میتوانست به اندازهی کافی ثابت باقی بماند؟
به نظر میرسید خاله موریل غرق در افکارش است.
گفت: «باید سعی کنم فکر کنم. شاید بتوانم درست بعد از صبحانه، شامش را بدهم. یا…» سکوت کرد و غرق در افکارش شد. من هم پس از مدتی به آرامی برای قرار ملاقاتی که با ویرجینیا[۷]، خواهر دِرِک، داشتم بیرون رفتم.
با هم روی تاب روی ایوان، در تاریکی نشستیم. درحالی که نسیمی عطر یاسهای بنفش را به مشاممان میرساند، دستان هم را گرفته بودیم. قرارملاقاتی شیرین، غمگین و احساسی بود.
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روز بعد شنبه بود. بعد از صبحانه، خاله موریل به من گفت تدی را بیرون ببرم و آنقدر بگردانمش تا کاملاً خسته شود. قرار بود وقتی برگشتم، حسابی به آن غذا بدهد و امیدوار بود که این ورزش و غذاخوردن، تدی را به اندازهی کافی بیحال کند تا برای مدل شدن ثابت باقی بماند.
مطیعانه با تدی بیرون رفتم. هریک از تیرهای چراغ برق دونی را دستکم دو بار بررسی کردیم و وقتی برش گرداندم خانه دیگر باید از خستگی از حال میرفت. خالهام قلادهاش را باز کرد و آن را به انبار غذاها برد تا همبرگر بزرگی را بخورد.
تدی مانند خوک کوچکی غذا خورد. وقتی غذایش را تمام کرد، روی زمین انباری دراز کشید و درحالی که بلند بلند نفس میکشید به خواب رفت. خاله موریل آن را برداشت و به نقطهی روشنی در اتاق غذاخوری، نزدیکِ سهپایهی نقاشیاش برد. پیش از آنکه اتاق را ترک کنم، تدی خوابِ خواب و در حالِ خرناس کشیدن بود.
آن روز برای آنکه خاله موریل بتواند نهایت استفاده را از رخوت تدی ببرد، خیلی دیر، حدود ساعت ۲:۳۰ ناهار خوردیم. من بسیار گرسنه بودم و ایمی غذای بسیار خوش و آب و رنگی درست کرده بود. مرغهای سرخشده به سبک جنوبی آراسته شده بودند. به همین دلیل، تا وقتی موس هلویام را تمام نکرده بودم، توجه زیادی به خاله موریل نکردم.
بعد متوجه شدم که اصلاً حواسش آنجا نیست و بسیار کجخلق و کلافه به نظر میرسید.
پرسیدم: «طراحیِ امروز خوب پیش نرفت؟»
سرش را آنقدر به شدت تکان داد که گوشوارههای براقش با سروصدا به هم خوردند.
درحالی که بسیار غمگین به نظر میرسید ناگهان از جایش برخاست و گفت: «نه، چارلز. خوب پیش نرفت. تدی…»
«چه مشکلی پیش آمد؟ از خواب بیدار شد؟»
اگر خالهام زن دیگری بود به این حرف من به شکل کنایهآمیزی میخندید. در عوض خرناس کوچک و ظریفی کشید.
پاسخ داد: «چرا خوابش برد. خیلی هم خوب خوابش برد. اما در خواب مدام پیچ و تاب میخورد و انقدر نفس نفس زد که کشیدنش در آن حال غیرممکن بود. انگار داشتی تلاش میکردی تا در هوایی طوفانی درخت صنوبری را بکشی.»
«چقدر بد. به نظرم باید به دنبال یک موضوع دیگر برای نقاشی باشید.»
خالهام برای یک دقیقه هیچ پاسخی نداد. وقتی داشتم نگاهش میکردم درخشش قطرهی اشکی را در چشمانش دیدم.
به آرامی پاسخ داد: «درسته. آره احتمالاً باید همین کار را بکنم، چارلز. امروز عصر به شهر میروم تا یک چیزهایی برای تدی بخرم.»
برای لحظهی کوتاهی سرمایی را در امتداد ستون فقراتم احساس کردم. اما به زودی از بین رفت و به این فکر کردم با توجه به اینکه خاله موریل زحمت زیادی برای کشیدن تدی کشیده بود، خیلی لطف میکند که از دستش عصبانی نیست…
پیش از شام به اتاقم آمد تا چیزهایی را که برای تدی خریده بود به من نشان دهد: یک قلادهی قرمز درخشان با زنگوله، یک تکه استخوان با طعم شکلات و یک بسته غذای سگ که ترکیب عجیب و غریبی به نظر میرسد و با توجه به آنچه روی بستهبندیاش نوشته بود شیرینی مخصوص حیوانات خانگی بود.
همانطور که نگاهش میکردم، قلادهی قرمز را دور گردن تدی بست و دو شیرینی لوزی شکل از جعبه بیرون آورد و به او داد. تدی با صدای خرچ خرچی به سرعت آنها را خورد و ظاهراً از طعمشان خوشش آمد…
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یکشنبه صبح پیش خاله موریل نشسته بودم که با دیدن ساعتم متوجه شدم وقت رفتن است. با دِرِک و دخترها قرار گذاشته بودیم کل روز را در خارج از شهر به گردش و پیادهروی بگذرانیم.
در اطراف شهر اوقات خوشی را گذرانیدم. دِرِک در بیشهی درختان بلوط سمی گشت و گذاری کرد. ویرجینیا هم درحالی که از خنده ریسه رفته بود صدپای پشمالویی را از یقهی لباسم به داخل انداخت.
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وقتی برگشتم خانه هوا کاملاً تاریک شده بود. اما حتی پیش از آنکه پایم را داخل خانه بگذارم متوجه شدم که تمام چراغها روشن و جو ناآرام و پریشانی بر فضا حاکم است. وقتی در را باز کردم دیدم خاله موریل وسط هال ایستاده بود و به نظر میرسید از چیزی بسیار شوکه و مبهوت شده است. ایمی پشت سر او ایستاده بود و بطری نمک معطری را جلوی او تکان میداد تا حالش را جا بیاورد.
خاله موریل با دیدن من بریده بریده گفت: «تدی! اوه، چارلز، او…»
برای آرام کردنش دستانم رو دورش انداختم و او زد زیر گریه. اشکها از روی پوششِ پودر تالکِ روی گونههایش به پایین غلتیدند و روی دستمال توری دور گردنش ریختند.
ناله کنان گفت: «تدی! اوه، چارلز، او مرده!»
به صورت ناخودآگاه انتظار چنین چیزی را داشتم، با این حال با شنیدنش از جا پریدم.
پرسیدم: «چه اتفاقی افتاد؟»
پاسخ داد: «حدود سه ساعت پیش برای اینکه کمی بدود اجازه دادم به حیاط برود. مدت طولانی گذشت و برنگشت، به همین دلیل رفتم دنبالش. بارها و بارها صدایش زدم و آخر سر زیر گل صدتومانی پیدایش کردم. حالش به شدت بد بود. بنابراین به سرعت به داخل خانه آمدم و به دکتر زنگ زدم، اما تا او برسد، تدی طفلکِ کوچکم مُرده بود. لابد یک نفر او را مسموم کرده است.» و دوباره زد زیرِ گریه.
شانههای خالهام را نوازش و در حالی که ذهنم مشغول بود کلمات اطمینانبخشی را در گوشش زمزمه میکردم. کاریِ یکی از همسایهها بود؟ تدی حیوان کوچک آرامی بود، البته گاهی واغ واغ میکرد و بالاخره بعضیها از این جور سر و صداها خوششان نمیآید.
«دکتر جونز[۸] همیشه دلسوز تدی بود و با او به خوبی رفتار میکرد. گذاشتش در یک کیسهی کوچک و بردش. قرار است تدی را ببرد پیش یکی از کسانی که میشناسد تا درون بدنش را پُر کند.»
پُر کند؟ عرق از زیر شانهها و دستانم سرازیر شد. ناخواسته دستم را کردم درون جیب پشت شلوارم، دستمالی درآوردم و دادمش به خالهام.
دستمال را از دستم گرفت و چشمانش را پاک کرد. درحالی که داشت دماغش را میگرفت گفت: «با این حال، خیالم راحت است. چون میدانم آخرین روز زندگیاش را حسابی خوش گذرانده است.»
او را به اتاقش بردم و ترکیب برومیدی را که درست کرده بودم، به دستش دادم تا بخورد. تا نوشیدنش تمام شود، کنارش نشستم، حرفهای آرامشبخش به او زدم و دستش را آهسته نوازش کردم. بعد از مدتی که خیالم از آرام بودنش راحت شد به اتاقم رفتم.
روی تختم دراز کشیدم و مدتی به سقف خیره شدم. قلبم به سختی و با شدت میتپید. خیلی زود دستم را به دنبال پاکت سیگارم در جیب کتم فرو بردم و شروع به سیگار کشیدم کردم.
همانطور که دراز کشیده و به سقف خیره مانده بودم کل پاکت سیگار را کشیدم. به هیچ چیز فکر نمیکردم و با تلاشی که به سختی آگاهانه بود، به ذهنم اجازه نمیدادم تا به آن چیزی فکر کند که در لبهاش گیر کرده بود و نمیخواستم فکرش را بکنم. حدود ساعت ۱۲ لباسهایم را درآوردم و زیر پتو رفتم.
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صبح روز بعد حالم خوب نبود. خوابیدم، اما تأثیری در بهبود حالم نداشت. وقتی بیخیال خوردن نان تست برشتهام شدهام، خاله موریل به اتاقم آمد. چشمانش قرمز بود. به او صبح به خیر گفتم و به باغ رفتم.
هوا ابری و گرفته بود و اصلاً حال و حوصلهی انجام هیچ کاری را نداشتم. غنچههای گلهای صدتومانی را چیدم و علفهای هرز را کندم؛ بعد تصمیم گرفتم با قیچی هرس کمی به وضعیت گیلاسهای شرقی رسیدگی کنم. باید زودتر از اینها این کار را میکردم. رفتم از انبار مقداری روغن بزرک بیاوریم تا ضمادی درست کنم و روی قسمتهای آسیبدیدهشان بگذارم.
درون انبار، وقتی داشتم قوطی روغن را برمیداشتم، نور ناآشنای برخاسته از یکی از قوطیهای پشت آن چشمانم را گرفت. قوطی آرسناتِ سرب بود. روی قوطی همان تصویر جمجمه و دو استخوان معمولی که به صورت ضربدری روی آن کشیده شده بودند قرار داشت. در قوطی را باز کردم. بیش از نیم سانتیمتر از سم کم شده بود.
درست است که پیش از این به درستی در جریان اوضاع نبودم. مطمئن نبودم که افکارم درست باشد، بنابراین به این فکر چسبیده بودم که از هیچ چیز مطمئن نیستم.
یادم نمیآید که باقی روز را چه کردم. احتمالاً در اطراف باغ پرسه زدم و سعی کردم تا موقع شام به چیزی فکر نکنم. خاله موریل یک بار آمد دم پنجره و پرسید که ناهار میخورم یا نه و من پاسخ دادم که گرسنه نیستم.
فکر میکنم او تمام روز را در اتاق غذاخوری گذرانده و به جعبهی تدی خیره شده بود.
بعد بیخیال ماجرا شدم. دو سه روز بعد که تدی از پیش تاکسیدرمیست[۹] برگشت، همه چیز را آنقدر به پسِ ذهنم هدایت کرده بودم که واکنشهایم تا حدی مضحک و غیرقابل توضیح شده بودند.
حتی وقتی خاله موریل مدادهایش را درآورد و مشغول کشیدن مجموعه طرحهای بیپایانی از آن حیوان پُر شدهی بیچاره کرد، هیچ مشکلی با کل قضیه نداشتم. اگر کسی نظرم را دربارهی آن ماجرا میپرسید، میگفتم خیلی طبیعیست که خاله موریل بخواهد حیوانی را که آنقدر دوستش داشت بکشد.
وقتی خاله موریل مشغول طراحی از تدی بود، من هم شروع به بازسازی سقف خانه کردم. کار سختی بود چون جانپناهها و کلاهکهای پشتبام بسیار قدیمی بودند، اما تابستان آنقدر طولانی بود که بتوانم پیش از تمام شدنش کار را به پایان برسانم.
خاله موریل مدام به من میگفت که نباید به خودم فشار بیاورم و باید استراحت کنم، اما من نمیتوانستم بیکار بنشینم.
بعد از اتمامِ کار سقف شروع به ساخت گلخانهی کوچکی برای نهالها در پشت خانه کردم. تقریباً هر شب ویرجینیا را میدیدم و به خودم میگفتم که حال من خوب و اوضاع هم روبهراه است. میفهمیدم که وزنم به صورت منظم دارد کم میشود، اما تظاهر میکردم که به دلیل بیش از حد سیگار کشیدنم است.
یکی از شبهای گرم آخرهای ماه اوت، خاله موریل بستهی طراحیهایی که از تدی کشیده بود را نشانم داد و با هم آنها را بررسی کردیم.
وقتی یکی از طرحها را کنار گذاشتم گفت: «فکر کنم چند طرح دیگر از تدی بکشم، و خب، بعدش باید موضوع جدیدی برای خودم دست و پا کنم.» غمگین به نظر میرسید.
بیطرفانه گفتم: «بله». این حرف به نحوی معذبم کرد. اما آگاهیام را تا حدی سرکوب کرده بودم که حتی نمیدانستم به چه دلیل معذب شدهام.
بعد از یک دقیقه، درحالی که افسردهتر از همیشه به نظر میرسید گفت: «چارلز. تو یک پیرزن را بسیار خوشحال میکنی. این دختری که انقدر دور و برت میپلکد، ویرجینیا، واقعاً از او خوشت میآید؟»
«چراا…بله. بله از او خوشم میآید.»
«خب چارلز، من داشتم فکر میکردم که اگر مقداری پول به تو بدهم، دوست داری در دونی یک گلخانهی درست و حسابی درست کنی و کار و کاسبیای برای خودت راه بیاندازی؟ ظاهراً در این جور چیزها واقعاً استعداد داری. البته من دلم برایت تنگ خواهد شد، اما اگر خودت دلت بخواهد مطمئنم که با ویرجینا خوشبخت خواهی شد و …» سرفهاش گرفت و دیگر نتوانست ادامه دهد.
ای پیر دوستداشتنی! به آن طرف میز رفتم، بغلش کردم و بوسیدمش. به او گفتم که این کار مرا حسابی خوشحال میکند و همیشه دلم میخواسته است تا همین کاری را که او پیشنهاد کرد انجام دهم؛ به راه انداختن کار و کاسبی خودم و ازدواج با ویرجینیا! خاله موریل حتی از فرشتهی مهربان هم بهتر بود!
تا دیروقت کنار هم نشستیم و دربارهی مکان گلخانه، سهام، تبلیغات، اقلامی که به نظرم جالب بودند و چیزهای دیگر برنامهریزی و صحبت کردیم و به نظر میرسید خاله موریل از شنیدن این جور چیزها لذت میبرد.
*
وقتی رفتم بالا به اتاق خوابم، انقدر هیجانزده بودم که فکر میکردم دیگر هرگز امکان ندارد خوابم ببرد. سوتزنان لباسهایم را درآوردم و برخلاف انتظارم، به محض اینکه سرم به بالش رسید خوابم برد.
ساعت سه صبح درحالی از خواب بیدار شدم که عقیدهای غیرقابل تغییر ذهنم را پر کرده بود. گویی تمام آن چیزی که فقط به آن مشکوک بودم، تمام آن چیزی که خودم را مجبور کرده بودم تا فراموشش کنم، وقتی خواب بودم در ذهنم تبدیل به یقین سفت و سختی شده بود.
درحالی که میلرزیدم، با پیژامه روی لبهی تخت نشستم.
خاله موریل میخواست مرا بکشد.
با وجود علاقهای که به من داشت، با وجود آنکه میدانست پشیمان میشود، دیر یا زود در غذا یا نوشیدنیام سم میریخت و شاهدِ عذاب کشیدن من میشد.
درحالی که اشک در چشمانش جمع شده بود، آنقدر در زنگ زدن به دکتر تعلل میکرد تا دیگر کار از کار بگذرد. از تمام این ماجرا دلِ خوشی نداشت. و بعد از مرگم مرا به بهترین متصدی کفن و دفن میداد تا مومیاییام کند.
*
پس از یک هفته، بعد از آنکه روزی ۱۸ ساعت مشغول کشیدنِ من بود، درحالی که هنوز کمی احساس عذاب وجدان و پشیمانی داشت، مرا به دور میانداخت. اما این فکر که در روزهای آخر زندگیام حسابی احساس خوشبختی میکردم باعث میشود تا از حس عذاب وجدان و پشیمانیاش کاسته شود. به راه انداختن کار و کاسبی و ازدواج با ویرجینیا درست مثل قلادهی قرمز و استخوانهای با طعم شکلاتیاند که برای تدی گرفته بود.
به سرعت زنجیرهی استدلالام را بررسی کردم. هیچ نقصی نداشت. اما یک چیزی باقی مانده بود که باید با چشمان خودم میدیدم.
روبدوشامبرم را پوشیدم، با احتیاط و آهسته از راهرو گذشتم و از پلههای پشتی رفتم پایین. وقتی به انباری رسیدم، کبریتی آتش زدم و به دنبال همان جایی گشتم که آن روز، پشت قوطی روغن برزک، قوطی آرسنات سرب را پیدا کردم. اما دیگر آن جا نبود.
به اتاقم برگشتم، وسایلم را داخل چمدانم گذاشتم و به روش کلاسیکی از آنجا فرار کردم. یعنی ملحفهها را به هم گره زدم، یک طرف آنها را به تخت ۴ ستونه وصل کردم و طرف دیگرشان را از پنجره بیرون انداختم و مانند طناب از آن برای بیرون رفتن استفاده کردم. در ایستگاه، قطار ساعت ۵:۳۰ را سوار و از آن شهر خارج شدم.
دیگر هرگز از خاله موریل خبری نشنیدم. وقتی به لوسآنجلس رسیدم، چند نامهی کوتاه بدون آدرس برای ویرجینیا نوشتم، فقط برای آنکه بداند فراموشش نکردهام. بعد از مدتی وارد یک کار خصوصی شدم. با دختر خوبی آشنا شدم و بعد از مدتی با او ازدواج کردم.
اما یک چیز هست که همیشه دلم خواسته جوابش را بدانم. بعد از آن ماجرا خاله موریل چه چیزی را کشید؟
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